Who are we without our work?
Learning to disentangle my worth from my work
Lately I’ve been thinking about ‘labels’. Not the food or fashion kind - the career kind. Because, soon after I began my career break, it became clear that I had lost one of my most important labels in life. Suddenly I no longer had a job title to describe me. I wasn’t a manager any more. I wasn’t unemployed, nor was I clear on my next step. It felt like I’d lost part of my identity. Who was I without my job?
My story
Using my job title to define myself was my default response for a long time. Over the course of my squiggly career I’ve been lots of things - a banker, a bartender, a marketer, an entrepreneur a leader, and more. When I met people, my job title would be the very next thing I’d share after my name. At each stage in my career, my job title has been a helpful definition of who I am. But it has also been a constraint. At times limiting my view of what I wanted to achieve or what I was capable of.
For a long time I believed that I was only good at being a ‘Suit’ (the Ad agency term for a relationship manager), and I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. That belief was challenged at a leadership course when the facilitator pointed out that we often conflate who we are with what we do. She said “they’re different things - at work, you are paid for what you do, not who you are”. Seems obvious right? It was my lightbulb moment. It totally changed the way I thought about myself and my work.
@lizandmollie
How did we get here?
One of the reasons we tend to define ourselves by our job is history. The most common surname in the UK, Australia, NZ, Canada and the US, is Smith – as in blacksmith, silversmith, locksmith, gunsmith. In Germany and Switzerland it’s Müller, which comes from Miller. In Slovakia, it’s Varga, which means cobbler. These names date back to the Middle Ages, when a person’s job was so defining that it became their name.
Today, our jobs are no longer our names. But they’re still a major part of our identity, because it matters in society. Think about it - one of the first questions we ask a new acquaintance is - “What do you do?” And we frequently ask our kids - “what do you want to do when you grow up?” We’re conditioned to see work as a priority. The upshot is that we end up enmeshing our definition of who we are, with our title, role or what we do. And this becomes a problem when we reach a point of transition - when we no longer can or will play that role.
“You are not the work you do, you are the person you are.”
The Violinist turned Scientist
As a child, Maya Shankar was a talented violinist. From the age of six, the violin was her absolute passion, and her acceptance to the prestigious Juilliard School of music in New York was assurance of her future success. But at 15 years old she injured a tendon in her hand, which shattered her musical dreams.
For Maya, losing her identity as a violinist was like losing part of who she was. She grieved not only her violin but the loss of herself - it brought into question who she was, and what value she brought to the world. She couldn’t imagine a future without that identity.
Things turned out fine for Maya. She is now a Cognitive Scientist, podcaster and TED Talker. She found a new career path and evolved her identity along the way.
The pro’s and con’s of labels
The labels we attach to ourselves can be a good thing. They can bring meaning and purpose in our lives. But they can also become a massive constraint. When our work or life change we can end up feeling stuck or lost or cast adrift. Worse, we can suffer anxiety, substance abuse, depression and loneliness.
The challenge is that change is a constant in our lives - especially in today’s world. It can be planned like my career break, or unplanned like Maya’s injury or a redundancy (or a global pandemic!). In these times of change we need to be able to pivot, so it’s helpful to know our identity is much broader than work alone. Better yet, to know our identity is not fixed. It can (and does) evolve over time. So, when we stop labelling ourselves by what we do, and broaden our definition, change gets easier and new opportunities open up.
“Labels are an explanation, but they don’t have to be a final destination”
Changing the script
How do we redefine our labels in life? If it’s not about what we do, then how do we describe who we are?
Instead of using our job title, I’ve learned that we can define who we are in lots of ways. We can ‘anchor’ our identity in different things - our interests, our strengths, our loves, and the things that energise us. For me, that’s things like communicating, collaborating and coaching. These things are not domain specific, nor are they fixed. They are core to who we are as human beings. They are transferrable, travelling with us through life into our various roles and titles. They give us the scope to evolve and recreate ourselves over time. Which is pretty important for those of us on a squiggly career journey or at a transition point in life.
“We are human beings, not human doings.”
Redefining who we are
To start untangling our worth from our work, and redefine who we are, there are three helpful questions we can ask:
1. What do you see? A huge part of our self-identity is how we impact others, so caring what they think is important. When we ask our friends and loved ones to describe us, they use words like caring, smart, fierce, loving, curious, fun, brave. These are verbs or ‘doing’ words that describe who we are. Whereas, our job titles are nouns that describe what we do. Ask your friends and family to complete the sentence “You are…” with a one-word answer, as many times as they can. You might be surprised (and delighted) with what comes up.
2. What am I good at? What are you doing when you’re at your best? Think about the times when you’ve been in the zone or in flow. What were you doing? How did it feel? In his book Go Put Your Strengths to Work, Marcus Buckingham says our Strengths are things make us feel strong - they energise us and make us feel powerful. There are loads of online tools and resources out there to help people define their strengths. They all have pro’s and con’s, some cost money and others are free. As a starter, try Digby Scott’s Superpowers exercise.
3. What am I curious about? What interests you? What are you drawn to? Look for your sources of delight. What are the characteristics of your hobbies or the pursuits that energise you? What are the features of the things you’ve done that you absolutely love? And can you find an expression of that elsewhere? After the loss of her violin, Maya Shankar’s father advised her to read a lot. It was through following her curiosity and interests that she discovered a new interest in science. She describes this discovery as lighting up her imagination and being able to see a place for herself in that field. What lights you up?
“We are not nouns, we are verbs”
Better late than never
It took me a long time (probably 20 years - eek!) to realise that we’re not defined by a job title or job description. I’ve learned that we can set out on an unplanned career path, change tack, evolve our identity along the way and still thrive. That’s because what defines us is not what we do, but who we are. What defines us is the unique combination of our loves, strengths, interests and experiences that we bring to life and our careers. And it’s only when we understand who we are – that we can thrive on our journey.
J. xx
PS. To find out more on navigating career transitions, check out my Resource hub for some helpful tools and resources.
“Who am I without my work? I am me!”