The problem with confidence
It’s not a problem at all.
I’ve got a problem with confidence. Not the concept, but the word itself. In particular, how it’s used as feedback at work. Frequently dished out as ‘professional’ feedback, it is most often directed at women and young people. While likely well-intended to encourage the recipient to show up with greater self-assurance, it is unhelpful and not easy to execute. So, when a young colleague sought my advice on how to be more confident, I thought carefully about what would be genuinely helpful.
The anti-helpful stuff
Early in my career, I battled with self doubt and shyness. Not surprising then, that this younger version of me was told to “be more confident”. In hindsight, probably the single most unhelpful piece of advice I’ve received. Where do you even start? There was no shortcut, or magical way to manifest it. I never discovered a magic lever you could pull to immediately feel more confident.
Equally unhelpful is ‘fake it till you make it’. Katty Kay - author of The Confidence Code - knows her confidence stuff and says it’s fake news. Because people can smell that BS a mile away. Faking it not only does not boost our confidence, it makes us feel less secure and more anxious. We can’t pretend to be confident if we’re not. What’s more, how confident we feel can change depending on the context we’re in, the company we keep or the challenge we face.
It wasn’t until much later in my career that I learned a different way to think about confidence altogether.
Confidence is not the issue
The problem with confidence is that confidence is not the problem at all. It’s not a skill you can hone, a trait you’re born with or an armour to don.
The single most helpful perspective I’ve found comes from leadership coach Digby Scott. He describes confidence as an outcome - an after-effect of our experiences, feelings and beliefs.
Which means that confidence itself is not the ‘work on’. Instead, we need to focus on the things that fuel it.
The drivers of confidence
So what fuels confidence? I sat down with my young colleague and shared what I’ve learned -
Belief - confidence starts with belief. How much do you want it? Do you think you can do it? Everyone has doubts - they aim to keep us safe. But pushing beyond our comfort zone means dialling down self-doubt and dialling up self-belief. If we need a little boost, we can helpfully outsource belief to a friend or mentor who will encourage us into our potential.
Courage - confidence comes after courage. The path to confidence lies in doing hard, scary and uncomfortable things. Because each time we do, it’s proof that we can face our fears, learn and grow from our mistakes, and master tasks that once felt impossible. Being scared is a sign of growth. So, be ‘scared confident’.
Preparation - confidence comes from preparation. Take a tip from high performing athletes and prepare. Practice under pressure, in a friendly environment or (better yet) in front of an ‘unreasonable friend’. While practice doesn’t always make perfect, it can help take us into what Kay calls “the zone of confidence”.
“Practice creates confidence. Confidence empowers you.”
Action - confidence comes from action. Go for it! Even if you’re not quite ready, then do it scared. Confidence isn’t saying ”I’m the best”, it’s saying “I’ll do my best”. Perfectionism inhibits achievement, so we need to start by being prepared to fail. In other words, dare to be bad and do it anyway.
Acknowledgement - confidence also comes from credit. Adam Grant encourages us to think of past progress as proof of future potential. Did it turn out ok? Did you fail? Did you learn? Taking credit for what we’ve achieved in the past helps us nurture the confidence we need for the next step.
Source: @newhappyco
An addictive and positive cycle
Building confidence is about taking everyday steps that are simple, tangible and relatively easy. And “the experience of confidence can be addictive” (Katty Kay). Which means, the more we do it, the better it gets.
So the next time my young colleague wants to feel more confident, my hope is that he doesn’t think about confidence at all.
Love J xx